The savior candidate
Each year the Conservative Political Action Conference brings together a group of hard-core right-wingers intent on restating their conservative bona fides. This year it was held in Orlando, Florida. Included in the mix were the usual Tea Party zealots, members of the Gun Owner’s Action League, aging John Birchers, fundamentalist Christians, a few members of the Proud Boys, and some smartly dressed college age kids who’ve never seen the working side of a fast-food counter. Trump buttons, flags, MAGA hats, and other memorabilia were for sale as well as bumper stickers that said things like “Biden is not my President!!” and “Annoy a liberal, Work Hard, Succeed — Be Happy.”
This year’s three day gathering featured a number of potential GOP candidates for 2024 as well as an appearance by ex-president Donald J. Trump. In between the flag waving, patriotic songs and the usual entreaties to the Almighty to vanquish those who were not real Americans, a strange thing happened. The Almighty showed up.
Just after the lunch break on the third day, none other than Jesus Christ surprised attendees when he emerged unscheduled from backstage and took his position at the podium. With arms spread wide, Jesus declared that he wanted to be considered as a candidate for the 2024 presidential election.
“I’m here because you asked me to be here,” he said. “You’ve constantly declared this to be a Christian country and that the United States is one nation under God. That would be me. I’m ready to lead you against the forces of darkness that have taken over America.”
For a moment there was stunned silence. A few whispered that Jesus didn’t look like the picture on the wall in the living room of their parent’s house. And then a hand went up. The first question was from a member of the Heritage Foundation.
“Lord, it is true that we have invoked your name regularly when we open a new Chick-Fil-A restaurant, at the annual Daytona 500, and in the huddle of the Dallas Cowboys. But the story about the loaves and fishes troubles me. When it became clear that people didn’t have enough food, you distributed free bread and fish to the crowd. Why did you not charge what the traffic could bear? Can we assume don’t trust natural market forces?
Jesus replied that he had wanted people to eat because they were hungry. He said it never occurred to him to charge for the food. “I believe that God loves a cheerful giver. Remember, you cannot serve both God and money.”
There was some nervous seat squirming at that.
“Does that mean then that you are a socialist?” a reporter from the American Enterprise Institute shouted.
“It is true I have counseled people to give away all their goods to the poor and follow me,” Jesus replied. “If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need and has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him?”
There was some obvious discomfort at that comment.
Other questions came in rapid-fire sequence. An Eagle Forum member asked. “When you said ‘suffer little children to come unto me and forbid them not,’ does that mean you are for open borders? Should alien children be allowed to enter into this country illegally?”
A woman from the American Family Association wanted an explanation about what Jesus meant when he said, “The only peace we can find in our soul is when we accept the truth of our nature.”
“Does that mean you endorsing homosexuality as a valid lifestyle?” she asked.
A representative of the Family Research Council wrapped up the Q & A session. “We don’t believe our current president is a Christian. After all, he says he’s a Catholic. Can you state categorically that you are a real Christian?”
Jesus paused for a moment and looked skyward. He shook his head and mumbled to himself.
“Forgive them Father for they know not what they are doing.” The crowd seemed to be losing interest. A few people could be seen leaving the hall.
With his allotted time up, Sean Hannity escorted Jesus off the stage. He patted Jesus on the shoulder. “You had something going for a while there, son. But when you admitted that you were a working-class Jew, your chances with this group went from slim to none.”
